Jokes – Set 25 – 2017

#1

Two flies order some food in a restaurant. One says: I’ll take the shit with garlic. And I’ll take the same, but without garlic, said the other one. I don’t like to have bad breath.

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#2

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, ‘I can make the boss give me the day off.’
The man replies, ‘And how would you do that ‘
The woman says, ‘Just wait and see.’ She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, ‘

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#3

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank–proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

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#4

Two elephants walk off a cliff…
Boom! Boom!!!

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#5

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says ‘Look, I’ve got a crack’
‘No good telling me’ replies the male egg ‘I’m not hard yet’

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#6

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, ‘There’s a hell of a lot of steps here.’
The second drunk says, ‘I’ll tell you what’s worse, this hand rail is bloody low down’

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#7

Two cows in a field. One says to the other ‘What do you think about this mad cow desease ‘ The other one replies ‘Blimey! a talking cow!’

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#8

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other ‘Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease ‘
The other one says ‘No, It doesn’t worry me, I’m a horse!’

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#9

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other ‘Does this taste funny to you ‘

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#10

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

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#11

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, ‘Why are you arguing ‘
One boy answers, ‘We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.’
‘You should be ashamed of yourselves,’ said the

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#12

Two boys ko 3 live Bomb milte hai Wo un bombs ko police ko dene Jate hai ..
(raste mein )
First boy: agar koi bomb raste mehi phat jaye to
Second boy: jhoot bol denge ke 2 hi mile the .

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#13

Two blondes were driving to Disney Land when they saw a sign that read, ‘Disney Land left’
So they turned round and went home.

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#14

Two aerials meet on a roof fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was fantastic.

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#15

Tum chandar mukhi main sooraj mukhi..Main tum say dukhi tum mujh say dukhi..Tum chut per jao aur chalang lagao…Phir main bhe sukhi aur tum bhe sukhi..!

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#16

Try this ,its fun Go to msg Select New msg activate T9 (or dictionary as in your mobile) & type these keys… 4#260#2#3665#42#42#42# try now and do re….

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#17

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

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#18

Train mein TT Sadhu se bola: Kahan jana hai
Sadhu: Jahan Ram ka janam hua tha.
TT: Ticket hai
Sadhu: Nahin
TT: Chalo
Sadhu: Kahan
TT: Jahan Krishan ka janam hua tha.. Jail mein

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#19

Tourist: How would you describe the rain in this part of the country Local: Little drops of water falling from the sky

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#20

Tortoise n rabbit gave 12th std exams n both got 80%.Both needed admission in college but cutoff was 81%.
Rabbit didnt get but Tortoise got, Y
Sports Quota!

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#21

Tommy says to the teacher ‘Miss. would you ever punish me for something i didn’t do ‘
The teacher replies ‘No, Tommy of course not’
‘Good cause i didn’t do my homework!’

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#22

tom enters kitchen and opens the sugar box. Sees inside and closes it. Wife observes the whole episode Again he comes and does the same stuff. Wife asks Why are you doing this Tom replies: Doctor told to check sugar level regularly

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#23

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

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#24

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

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#25

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the marriage cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

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#26

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother–I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

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#27

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

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#28

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !

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#29

Time is the best teacher, but it kills all its students.

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#30

Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.

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#31

Thums up Pio, Coca Cola Pio, Pepsi Pio, Dew Pio, Juice Pio, Shake Pio, Nariyal pani pio, Soda pio. Pio Pio Aur Pio, Kyunki ab HUGGIES pe Rs.20 Off hai!

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#32

Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, ‘Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!’ The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, ‘You see, it pays

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#33

THREE EXPERIENCE IN SEX :
PRE-MARITAL SEX IS TRAINING EXPERIENCE!
MARITAL SEX IS GAINING EXPERIENCE!
EXTRA-MARITAL SEX IS ROAMING EXPERIENCE!

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#34

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, ‘What have you done to enter Heaven ‘
‘I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord’s babies into the world.’
‘Good enough to ent

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#35

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, ‘Looks like a duck, flies like a duck… it’s probably a duck,’ shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead,

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#36

Thought of the day:
Agar aap bus pe chade… ya phir bus aap pe chade… dono marthaba ticket aapka hi katthi hai

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#37

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

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#38

This new drug Viagra takes the concept of recreational drugs to a whole new level, doesn’t it

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#39

This morning I went to the doctor to see if he had a cure for my wife’s sinus trouble. Every time she drags me out shopping she keeps telling me ‘sign us’ for this, ‘sign us’ for that.

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#40

this man went to a whore house. he had no arms and no legs. When the madam answered the door she asked what he wanted. He said that he wanted a woman. She replyed you have no arms and no legs what can you do With that he replyed I rang the door bell didn

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#41

This male prostitute contracted leprosy. He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.

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#42

This is a passenger announcement. The train on platform one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve has come in sideways.

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#43

This is a humorous ‘fake’ news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand.
REDMOND, WA (API) — MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system
‘Windows 2000’ will be delayed until the second

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#44

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

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#45

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, ‘You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing ‘
She says, ‘I just got my check-u

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#46

Thief : quickly hand over your purse I have a gun Lady : here take it Thief : ha! ha! no bullets in my gun. Lady : ha! ha! no money in my purse

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#47

They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

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#48

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

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#49

They call it PMS because ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was already taken.

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#50

There’s no future in time travel.