Jokes – Set 31 – 2017

#1

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

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#2

Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.

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#3

Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin!

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#4

No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square.

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#5

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

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#6

No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.

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#7

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

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#8

No Boys! No Boys, no Sex. No Sex, no Kids. No Kids, no School. No School, no problems! Why Boys

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#9

Niche na jana please. Niche ganda likha hai.
Ganda

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#10

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

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#11

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

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#12

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

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#13

Napolean There is no such word as IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary… Sardarji toh dictionary dekh ke kharidni thi na….!!

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#14

My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!

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#15

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

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#16

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her.

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#17

My wife ran away with my best friend.
To tell you the truth, I really miss him.

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#18

My wife has lost her credit card’-the man told his friend…FRIEND-have u informed the bank ..no the thief is spending much less than she does!

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#19

My mind is like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states.

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#20

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him ‘What was the name of his other leg ‘

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#21

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said ‘Cough!’

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#22

My daughter was my mother too because she was my father’s wife!

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#23

My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.

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#24

MunnaBhai: Yaar yeh kutte poonch kyon hilate hain Bole to dog tail shaking WHY Circuit: Common sense Bhai! Ab poonch kutte ko to nahin hila sakti hai na.

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#25

Munna bhai: Yeh oxford kya hai Circuit: Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi..

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#26

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas
No you can have turkey like everyone else !

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#27

Mr. Verma to his adopted son:’ Beta.. What is the height of laziness ‘ Son:-‘What else than having an adopted son !!’

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#28

Mr. Verma got the following letter: If u dont send Rs.2 lakhs within 3 days time, we will kidnap ur wife.To this, he sent the following reply: I m very sorry,I cant fulfill ur demand, but I m sure u ll keep up ur promise.

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#29

Mr A: my wife kisses me every night when I get home. Mr B: mine too, but only 2 c if I have been drinking.

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#30

Mother: ‘Did you enjoy your first day at school ‘
Girl: ‘First day Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow

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#31

Most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked.

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#32

Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

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#33

Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

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#34

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

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#35

Mom: Have you brought the matches home Son: Yes! Mom: Are they working Son: Yes! I have try up all the fire matches… It’s working.

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#36

Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somewhat deteriorate during the night.

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#37

Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.

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#38

Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

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#39

Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.

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#40

Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d want to have with dinner.

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#41

Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.

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#42

Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

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#43

Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.

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#44

May we neveMarriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

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#45

Maths teacher: to a dull boy,
if u have 12 chocolate & u give 5 to leena, 3 to tina, 4 to meena, then what will u get
Student: 3 Girl friends,….!

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#46

Married Life Joke Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the nei

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#47

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.

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#48

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

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#49

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

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#50

Marriage still confers one very special privilege – only a married person can get divorced.