Jokes – Set 30 – 2017

#1

Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.

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#2

Police Station toilet stolen….Cops have nothing to go on.

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#3

Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.

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#4

Photons have mass I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

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#5

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers.

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#6

Patrick was in charge of Bingo at his church. He called the numbers in Latin so the Pritestants wouldn’t win.

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#7

Patni=Suno ji, doctor ne mujhe ek mahine ke aaram ke liye kisi Hill station par jane ko kaha hai,hum kaha jayenge Pati=Dusre Dr. ke Paas..

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#8

Patni: Suno ji, Aapko Mujme Sabse Jayada kaya Acha Lagta hai, Meri Beauty ya Meri Akalmandi Pati: Muje to yeh teri Majak karne ki Aadat Sabse achhi lagti hai

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#9

Patient: Mjhe bemari hai. Na khaoon tu bhook lagti
hai,
Na soo tu Neend aati hai, Ziada kaam kr k thak jaata
hoon. Doctor: Saari Raat Dhoop mai betho Theek hojaogay.

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#10

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

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#11

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid fool!!

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#12

Patient: Doctor, I think that I’ve bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better
Doctor: No, I but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.

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#13

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

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#14

Patient: Doctor! You’ve got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!

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#15

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

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#16

Patient: ‘I’ve got a terrible pain in my right arm, doctor.’
Doctor: ‘Don’t worry, it’s just old age.’
Patient: ‘But in that case, why doesn’t my left arm hurt, too – I’ve had it just as long ‘

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#17

Patient: ‘Doctor, sorry to trouble you again, but what can you give me for flat feet ‘
Doctor: ‘What about a bicycle pump ‘

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#18

Patient: ‘Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in ‘
Doctor: ‘What about a cardboard box ‘

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#19

Patient: ‘Doctor, I want to stop pulling funny faces.’
Doctor: ‘Why ‘
Patient: ‘Because the ugly people don’t like it when I pull their faces.’

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#20

Patient: ‘Doctor, how can I live to be a hundred ‘
Doctor: ‘Well, I suggest you give up eating rich food and going out with women.’
Patient: ‘And then will I live to be a hundred ‘
Doctor: ‘No – but it will seem like it.’

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#21

Patient: ‘Doctor, every time I eat fruit I get this strange urge to give people all my money.’
Doctor: ‘Would you like an apple or a banana ‘

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#22

Patient: ‘Doctor, doctor! I’ve just swallowed a whole sheep.’
Doctor: ‘How do you feel ‘
Patient: ‘Quite baa-d.’

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#23

Patient: ‘And when my right arm is quite better, will I be able to play the trumpet ‘
Doctor: ‘Most certainly – you should be able to play it with ease.
Patient: ‘That’s wonderful – I could never play it before.’

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#24

Patient: ‘And if I take these little green pills exactly as you suggested, will I get better ‘
Doctor: ‘Well, let’s put it this way – none of my patients has ever come back for more of those pills.’

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#25

Patient to the eye doctor: ‘Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.’
‘Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking.’

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#26

PATI:phon mere liye ho to kehna me ghar pe nahi. biwi phon utha k boli who ghar pe hai, PATI:mene mana kiya fir bhi. BIWI:ji wo mere liye tha

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#27

Pati patni se:- kaisi sabzi banai hai, bilkul gobar jaisa swad hai Patni(matha peet te hue)Hey bhagwan!Na jane inhone kya-kya khaKe dekhahAI

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#28

Pars Chori Honey k Baad Larki Ka Reaction
Gareeb Larki : O Mere Pesay
Ameer Larki : O Mera Credit Card
Khubsurat Larki : O Shit Os Mein To Mere Boyfriend Ki Tasveer Thi.

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#29

Paris and Rico walked into the locker room holding his side and bending over. Paris says ‘ow man im so sore’ Dario asks ‘ whats wrong ‘ Paris replies ‘ man yo mama was rough last night’ Rico adds ‘ she needs to loosen up’

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#30

Parents: Be nice to your children, they choose your nursing home.

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#31

Pappu: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Jeeto: Well, you have done the right thing. Pappu: But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap

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#32

Over the lips, and down the throat,
mat you never wake uo, next to a goat.

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#33

One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
‘A’ is for God.
‘B’ is for me and my wife.
‘C’ is for the perfect student.
‘D & F’ are for all other students.

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#34

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, ‘Anything you say can and will be Held against you.’
He replies ‘BREASTS.’

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#35

One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal barge goes down to speak to the slaves in the hold of his ship. ‘Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile.’ The men cheered and rat

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#36

One day, a guy with a horrible stuttering problem went to his doctor.
‘D-d-d-docter, is t-t-t-there anything t-t-that you c-c-c-can do for my stuttering ‘
‘Hop on to the table, and I’ll give you an exam.’
After the physical was over, the doctor told

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#37

One chicken to an other: are you tokkin’ to me

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#38

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

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#39

Once upon a time, when he could do it twice upon a time.

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#40

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
‘Man it’s hot in here!!!!’
The other muffin exclaims,
‘Look a talking muffin!!!!’

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#41

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn’t eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went

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#42

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

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#43

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
‘What’s the matter Are you sick ‘ he asked.
‘No, I’m okay. It’s just that I hate to see old ladies standing.’

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#44

On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says ‘Boy it’s mighty cold out here!’, the other says ‘Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey’.

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#45

omen are just like frogs. They have a big mouth and are scared of the stork.

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#46

Old jokes never die. They just sound like they do.

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#47

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ‘You’re next.’
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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#48

Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.

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#49

Nurse: ‘Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office’. Doctor: ‘Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.’

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#50

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe