Jokes – Set 35 – 2017

#1

If u dont like ny of my SMS or dont like 2 read or if my msgs disturb u,then plz dont hesitate,feel free 2 Throw Ur Mobile!!

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#2

If U care 4ME,I care 4U; U miss ME,I miss U;U like ME,I like U;U msg ME,I msg U;U forget ME, I’m sorry this is where I’m different 4m U… I’LL KILL YOU!

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#3

If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of

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#4

If the shoe fits, buy it.’ – Imelda Marcos

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#5

If the makers of Star Trek bought the Mir Space Station, they would probably have to rename it Deepshit 9.

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#6

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide….is it considered a hostage situation

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#7

If people from Poland are called ‘Poles,’ why aren’t people from Holland called ‘Holes

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#8

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too

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#9

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes

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#10

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular

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#11

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed

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#12

If it weren’t for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.

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#13

If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

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#14

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have
2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

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#15

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal

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#16

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

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#17

If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands

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#18

If ever in your life
U R very sad & lonely & feel that
U have lost every thing,
I will come,
Hold your hand,
take U 4 Walk on a Bridge & Show U
where 2 jump From !!!…

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#19

If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases

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#20

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends

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#21

If at first you don’t succeed, try left field.

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#22

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

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#23

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister

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#24

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless

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#25

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

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#26

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled

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#27

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages

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#28

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap

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#29

If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed

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#30

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong

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#31

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor
Silverware.

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#32

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off

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#33

If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2

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#34

I’ve use up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

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#35

I’ve got some eployees who have been around here so long they can remember the Dead Sea before it got sick.

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#36

I’ve got a mind like a.. a.. what’s that thing called

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#37

I’ve been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.

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#38

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about ‘short’ and ‘cheap’

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#39

I’m one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

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#40

I’m late for work because I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop reliving sunday (tight up until the explosion). I was able to exit from the loo

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#41

I’m busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

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#42

I’m busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.

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#43

I’d like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else’s blood.

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#44

I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

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#45

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

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#46

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

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#47

I’d cross the hottest desert,
I’d swim the deepest sea,
I’d climb the highest mountain,
But I can’t come over tonight because it’s raining.

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#48

I wouldn’t touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!

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#49

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

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#50

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.