Jokes – Set 36 – 2017

#1

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming

—– —
#2

I wish Martians would conquer the earth and make us their pets, I could really use a new flea leash. The one my wife uses is getting pretty darn short.

—– —
#3

I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down.
‘Why do you feel that ‘ he asked.
‘Because,’ I replied, ‘I’ve got tyre marks on my legs.’

—– —
#4

I went to a cannibal’s party last night.
I had a ball.

—– —
#5

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

—– —
#6

I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said ‘I’d like some fries’.
The girl at the counter said ‘Would you like some fries with that’.

—– —
#7

I went for a walk with uncleJim,some1 threw a tomato at him,Tomatos dont hurt’I replied with a grin…They FUKEN do when the’re still in the TIN!!

—– —
#8

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.

—– —
#9

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

—– —
#10

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

—– —
#11

I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

—– —
#12

I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.

—– —
#13

I was in the pub yesterday, and i saw Vincent Van Gogh in the corner.
I called him over and asked him if he fancied a drink, to which he replied. ‘no thanks, I’ve got one ear!’…..

—– —
#14

I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.

—– —
#15

I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

—– —
#16

I was arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep

—– —
#17

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

—– —
#18

I want patience… AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

—– —
#19

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.

—– —
#20

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.

—– —
#21

I used to be a werewoolf…
But I’m much better noooooooooooow !

—– —
#22

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

—– —
#23

I tried to follow my doctor’s advice and give up smoking cigarettes and try chewing gum instead – but the matches kept getting stuck and the gum wouldn’t light.

—– —
#24

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

—– —
#25

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

—– —
#26

I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.

—– —
#27

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.

—– —
#28

I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.

—– —
#29

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ‘Guess’ on it…so I said ‘Implants ‘

—– —
#30

I said ‘no’ to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

—– —
#31

I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous sentence.’ It didn’t sell very well. I thou

—– —
#32

I need someone really bad, Are you really bad
I’m not a complete idiot, Some parts are missing.
If something goes without saying, Let it.
Jesus paid for our sins, Now, lets get our money’s worth.
Be nice to your kids, They’ll choose your nursing

—– —
#33

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

—– —
#34

I love cats; they taste just like chicken.

—– —
#35

I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can t fix it, so I’m moving to New York.

—– —
#36

I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.

—– —
#37

I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.

—– —
#38

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

—– —
#39

I l I lo I lov I love I love you… I love you the most. I love you the best. I love you a lot.. Bcoz MENAKA GANDHI said People should LOVE animals

—– —
#40

I know a guy who had his doctor say ‘take some weight off, go to a health club.’ This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

—– —
#41

I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.

—– —
#42

I intend to live forever – so far so good.

—– —
#43

I heard yo house was made out of bog paper – why cuz your whole family full of crap!

—– —
#44

I hear that you drop some money in Stocks. Were you a bull or a bear ‘ ‘Neither, just a plain simple ass.

—– —
#45

I have to admit it, Jensen had offered a brilliant proposal to resolve our troublesome problem. He suggested we form three committees, one to study the problem directly, one to study how other companies had resolved similar problems, and a third to overse

—– —
#46

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

—– —
#47

I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it’s just a pigment of their imagination.

—– —
#48

I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people.

—– —
#49

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

—– —
#50

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.