Jokes – Set 45 – 2017

#1

A newly married gal got 1st class in her B.Ed xms. Her xcited husbnd sent telgrm 2 her parents – my wife FIRST CLASS IN BED”

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#2

A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says ‘you sheerin’ mate ‘ and the first guy replies ‘naw, they’re all mine’

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#3

A new computer engineer from India went to USA on his company’s assignment. On his first visit to a Supermarket, at the checkout, the girl at the counter asks him,’paper or plastic’. She meant, whether he wants a paper bag or a platic bag.
The boy couln

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#4

A new Boy joins class_ He finds two Boys similar in appearance. Asks one of them Are you both twins… Boy replies No. We are neighbour

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#5

A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn’t stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: ‘Young man…you keep both hand

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#6

A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender ‘Hay , could I get a beer please’
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say ‘No, we don’t serve food here’
The mushroom says ‘Why not I’m a Fungi!’

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#7

A Memon saves life of an Arab by his rare blood group.
Arab rewards him with a mercedez.
Few days later arab again needed the blood,
Memon donates again.
Arab sent him ‘Till ke Laddoo’,
Memon asked ‘why not new mercedes ‘
Arab replied : ‘ab ma

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#8

A marriage is a war in which the enemies can sleep together!

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#9

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!

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#10

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
‘What’s the matter with me ‘ he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, ‘You’re not eating properly.’

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#11

A man visits the doctor. The doctor says ‘I have bad news for you.You have cancer and Alzhiemer’s disease’. The man replies ‘Well,thank God I don’t have cancer!’

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#12

A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said ‘Your wife’s mind has completely gone!’. To which the man replied ‘I’m not surprised. She’s been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!’

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#13

A man speaks frantically into the phone, ‘My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!’
‘Is this her first child ‘ the doctor queries.
‘No, you idiot!’ the man shouts. ‘This is her husband!’

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#14

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, ‘I have some good news and some bad news.’
The man says, ‘OK, give me the good news first.’
The doctor says, ‘The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.’
The man replies, ‘Oh no! If t

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#15

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27 She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty ‘Good,’ says the man. ‘That means I must have really escaped.’

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#16

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The do

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#17

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.

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#18

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, ‘Have you been drinking, sir ‘
‘Why ‘ snorts the man. ‘Is there a fat bird in my car ‘

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#19

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, ‘I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.’
The receptionist asks, ‘Have you ever seen a doctor ‘ and the man replies, ‘No, just spots.’

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#20

A man goes to the doctors and says, ‘Doctor, I’ve got this problem, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh.’
The doctor replies, ‘Of course I won’t laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at

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#21

A man goes to the doctor and says, ‘Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.’
The doctor asks, ‘What do you mean ‘
The man says, ‘When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.’
Th

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#22

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says ‘You’re crazy’ The man says ‘I want a second opinion!’ ‘Okay, you’re ugly too!’

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#23

A man goes to a psychiatrist ‘Nobody listen to me!’ The doctor says ‘Next!’

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#24

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock.
A lady asks ‘What are you dressed as ‘
He says a fireman!
You break the glass, pull the knob and I’ll cum as fast as I can.

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#25

A man complained to his friend ‘My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor.’ ‘Don’t do that,’ volunteered his friend ‘there’s a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a ur

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#26

A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migrane headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migranes and STILL no improvement. ‘Listen,’ says

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#27

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
‘Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle If that ever happens, just pull the plug.’
His wife got up, unplu

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#28

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way…

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#29

A Love couple Sitting in park BOY tries2 kiss the girl.
GIRL: NO dear not all this before mariage.
BOY: dont Worry darLing i am already MARRIED.

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#30

A lorry has overturned on M6 loaded with vicks vapour rub, police have said there will be no congestion for 8 hours!

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#31

A little boy walks in on his parents in the middle of a romantic interludeand asks if he can hop on his daddy’s back. The father doesn’t see any harm, so he agrees, and they continue. When things started to really heat up the little boy leaned down and wh

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#32

A lady was scoldng her maid 4 not wrkng prprly.Angry Maid:Atleast I’m bttr than u in bed. Lady:Did my hubby told u dat Maid:No,d drivr tld.

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#33

A lady says to the psychiatrist, ‘I think I might be a nymphomaniac.’ He says, ‘I’ll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour.’ She says, ‘How much for all night ‘

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#34

A lady had 8 sons all named KEVIN, when asked how she differentiates while calling, she replied by their surname .

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#35

A lady gave an advertisement in the classifieds : ‘Husband Wanted’. Next day she received a 100 letters. They all said da same thing : ‘U can have mine’

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#36

A judge charged RS.1080 fine on a man for a rape. When asked why Rs.1080 judge replied Rs.1000 for rape and 8% ENTERTAINMENT TAX…….!

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#37

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

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#38

A Jewish woman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her. Hi, honey, he says. Want a little company Why asks the woman. Do you have one to sell

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#39

A japanese couple have illegitimate twins,
what do they name them
Answer: Jo Hua , So hua

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#40

A husband said to his wife ‘Get your coat on love, it’s time to ge down the pub’. She replied ‘But you NEVER take me out’. ‘I’m not,’ said the husband, ‘but I’m turning the heating off before I go.’

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#41

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

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#42

A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says ‘why the long face ‘.

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#43

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
‘Hey buddy, Why the Long Face’

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#44

A ham sandwich goes into a pub and says, ‘Barman I need a drink’; and the barman says ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here’

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#45

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, ‘What happened to your ears ‘
He says, ‘Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.’
The boss says, ‘Well, that explain

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#46

A guy told his friend, My father s name is laughing and my mother s name is smiling. So the friend asks, Is your name kidding The guy says, That s my brother s name and I am joking.

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#47

A guy goes to the hardware store to buy some insecticde. He hold up a box and asks the store manager, ‘ Is this stuff good for beetles ‘ The manager replies, ‘ NO, it’ll kill ’em’

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#48

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there’s nothin’ special… we just flat out tell’ em they’re gonna die…

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#49

A Gujju boy fillin an application form Gets confused n asks dad:whats MOTHER TONGUE dad said: VERY LONG.

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#50

A group of chess players were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
‘But why ‘, they asked, as they moved off.
‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can